"I was nauseous and tingly all over... I was either in love or I had smallpox."
--Woody Allen
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
--Woody Allen
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
--Woody Allen
"Although I am a practicing heterosexual, bisexuality automatically doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night."
--Woody Allen
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-- Woody Allen
"If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
--Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
-- Woody Allen
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
-- Woody Allen
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But
then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is
to suffer.
To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering
makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too
much happiness. "
-- Woody Allen
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "
-- Woody Allen
"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
-- Woody Allen
"Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love."
-- Woody Allen
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-- Woody Allen
"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people.
Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more." -- Woody
Allen
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
-- Woody Allen
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
-- Woody Allen
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
-- Woody Allen
"In order to live to be a hundred, you must give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
-- Woody Allen
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
"If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. "
-- Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."
-- Woody Allen
"Reality is still the only place to get a good steak"
-- Woody Allen
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
-- Woody Allen
"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates."
-- Woody Allen
"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend."
-- Woody Allen
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
-- Woody Allen
"The trick is to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock."
-- Woody Allen, My Speech to the Graduates
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught between the rollers of an electric typewriter?"
-- Woody Allen
"The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion
and the body of a lion,
though not the same lion."
-- Woody Allen (Without Feathers)
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
-- Woody Allen
"Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name."
-- Woody Allen (Without Feathers)
"The manifestation of the universe as a complex idea unto itself, as opposed to being in or outside the true Being of itself, is inherently a conceptual nothingness, or Nothingness in relation with any abstract form of existing, or to exist, or having existed in perpetuity and no subject to laws of physicality, or motion, or ideas relating to non-matter, or the lack of Objective Being, or subjective otherness."
-- Woody Allen (Getting Even)
"Philosophy : Everyone from Plato to Camus is read and the following topics are covered :
Manyness and oneness are studied as they relate to otherness.
(Students achieving oneness move ahead to twoness.)"
-- Woody Allen (Getting Even)
"The causal relationship between the first principle (i.e. God, or a strong wind) and any teleogical concept of being (Being) is, according to Pascal, "so ludicrous that it's not even funny (Funny)." Shopenhauer called this "will", but his physician dignosed it as hay fever. In his later yers, he became embittered by it, or more likely because of his increasing suspiscion that he was not Mozart."
-- Woody Allen (Getting Even)
"Can we actually *know* the universe?
My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
The point, however is : Is there anything out here? And why? And must they
be so noisy?"
-- Woody Allen (Getting Even)
"Life is a concentration camp.
You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently
against your persecutors."
-- Woody Allen
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
-- Woody Allen
"My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women."
-- Woody Allen
"Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant
I am!
Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained."
-- Woody Allen
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
-- Woody Allen
"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman."
-- Woody Allen
"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
-- Woody Allen
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
-- Woody Allen (in "Calvin and Hobbes")
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-- F. P. Jones
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise."
-- P. Z. Pearce, M.D.
"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is."
"2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2."
-- Grabel's Law
"Yesterday I was a dog.
Today I'm a dog.
Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement."
-- Snoopy
"God is real, unless declared integer."
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just make darkness the standard.
" Life is what happens while you are making other plans."
-- John Lennon
"This is no time to make new enemies."
-- Voltaire, when asked on his deathbed to forswear Satan.
"Never run after a bus or a woman or a cosmological theory, because there will be another one in just a few minutes."
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
--Rich Cook
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
-- Franklin P. Jones
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
--Jerome K. Jerome
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. "
"What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than mans transparency."
Lowery's law:
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
"Rome a connu sous les Borgia 30 annees de meurtre et de terreur, et ca a donne De Vinci, Michel-Ange et la Renaissance. La Suisse a connu 500 ans de liberte, de fraternite et de democratie, et qu'est ce que ca a donne ? L'horloge a coucou."
--Orson Welles, "Le troisieme homme"