"I was nauseous and tingly all over... I was either in love or I had smallpox."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

"Although I am a practicing heterosexual, bisexuality automatically doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."

"If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. "

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people.
Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more." -- Woody Allen

"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

"In order to live to be a hundred, you must give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"

"If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. "

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."

"Reality is still the only place to get a good steak"

"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"

"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates."

"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."

"The trick is to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock."

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught between the rollers of an electric typewriter?"

"The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion,
though not the same lion."

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

"Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name."

"The manifestation of the universe as a complex idea unto itself, as opposed to being in or outside the true Being of itself, is inherently a conceptual nothingness, or Nothingness in relation with any abstract form of existing, or to exist, or having existed in perpetuity and no subject to laws of physicality, or motion, or ideas relating to non-matter, or the lack of Objective Being, or subjective otherness."

"Philosophy : Everyone from Plato to Camus is read and the following topics are covered :

Manyness and oneness are studied as they relate to otherness.
(Students achieving oneness move ahead to twoness.)"

"The causal relationship between the first principle (i.e. God, or a strong wind) and any teleogical concept of being (Being) is, according to Pascal, "so ludicrous that it's not even funny (Funny)." Shopenhauer called this "will", but his physician dignosed it as hay fever. In his later yers, he became embittered by it, or more likely because of his increasing suspiscion that he was not Mozart."

"Can we actually *know* the universe?
My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
The point, however is : Is there anything out here? And why? And must they be so noisy?"

"Life is a concentration camp.
You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors."

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."

"My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women."

"Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am!
Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained."

"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman."

"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."

"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise."

"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is."

"2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2."

"Yesterday I was a dog.
Today I'm a dog.
Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement."

"God is real, unless declared integer."

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just make darkness the standard.

" Life is what happens while you are making other plans."

"This is no time to make new enemies."

"Never run after a bus or a woman or a cosmological theory, because there will be another one in just a few minutes."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. "

"What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than mans transparency."

Lowery's law:

"Rome a connu sous les Borgia 30 annees de meurtre et de terreur, et ca a donne De Vinci, Michel-Ange et la Renaissance. La Suisse a connu 500 ans de liberte, de fraternite et de democratie, et qu'est ce que ca a donne ? L'horloge a coucou."